Many women come to me and just don’t understand what is going on in their love lifes. Smart, funny, good-looking women. Women who are full of confidence in other areas of their lives, but crumble when it comes to dating someone they really like.
One of the things I see happening time and time again is this:
A switch of focus to the guy’s needs, rather than your own
What this might look like:
Overthinking messaging to make messages attractive to him
Spending dates worrying about what he thinks about you
Agreeing to his suggestions, without putting forward your own
Not expressing what you need (either at all, or at least not clearly)
Going at a pace (either slower or faster) that’s not comfortable for you
Look back - have you ever found yourself falling into any of these patterns? Particularly with someone you really, really like?
What happens when you find someone you like
When you find someone you like, it may feel like you found the last diamond in the mine. You’ll do anything possible to hold onto that diamond, convincing yourself it will become a beautiful necklace.
This makes it so easy for your entire focus to be on not doing anything wrong. Not doing anything that might push him away. This is going to change your entire behaviour. You will be more likely to:
Bottle up feelings then suddenly explode - demanding he declare he likes you or suddenly accusing him of certain misbehaviour
Not be yourself - instead constantly focusing on presenting your ‘best side’ only
Become anxious - constantly wondering where he is, who he’s with and whether he’s dating other people
Misread his behaviour and be constantly convincing yourself of “the worst”
Become fixated on him, and not see any other potential options that may come your way
None of these behaviours are going to help you get into a long term relationship. You and he will both feel the immense pressure you’re putting onto things. And it won’t feel nice. That anxiety will grow and result in unhealthy behaviours in one or both of you.
What to do instead
The biggest, best advice I have for your dating life is this: Relax and be yourself
Easier said than done, I know. But you can’t go into a long term relationship based on your ‘best side’ only. You want to be with someone that you can be yourself with. Who likes you as you are. That you can relax, feel comfortable and get vulnerable with.
And if you build a relationship based on a false representation of who you are, you’re going to end up in an inauthentic relationship which will crack further down the line.
How to relax and be yourself
Here’s how you can do this:
Adopt an abundant “there are plenty more fish in the sea” approach - because trust me, there are
Keep checking in with your own needs - is this going at a pace that’s right for you? Is he communicating in the way you like? Do you feel safe and relaxed around him?
Keep focusing on yourself - keep up all the activities you normally do, don’t plan your schedule around him, do lots of lovely self-care.
Spend lots of time with your girlfriends, be open to other dates and keep living a good life - he is an added bonus, not the be all and end all
Once you’ve got this figured out, you then need to make sure you’re attracting in the right type of guy for the relationship that you want.
This is another common mistake that I find a lot of women make, which is why I made a mini-course to cover exactly this. You can find out how you’ve chosen the wrong guys in the past and what to do to meet the right guys going forward. See more details below.
The early days are often the hardest to navigate, and for many women I work with, is the stage where they need the most guidance, positivity and reassurance. So be kind to yourself, lean on your girlfriends and reach out for expert help if needed! I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be in the relationship I am today if I hadn’t had my coach guiding me through the ‘transition’ period from dating to relationship.
You may not be in a position to be dating right now, but taking some time to reflect on where you may have comprised your true self and your needs in the past will do wonders for you when you are back out there again!